Naked on the page

Romantic Times Bookclub has given AFTERNOON DELIGHT a 4 1/2 Star Top Pick rating. (I haven't seen the actual review yet). Obviously I'm very pleased but actually I think what I'm feeling is stunned.

I can't believe it really. This is the second time ( 9 1/2 DAYS was the other) and both books were ones I struggled so much over that I hated them by then end... So as much as I despise self analysis, I feel like I need to explore what is was that made these stories such a bitch to write and why they seem to have done well despite that.

I call my creative partner Lisa The Drama Queen because she's always pestering me to 'add more emotion, Mika, go deeper'. Yes, I'm teasing her, but with a heart full of gratitude because she alternately kicked my butt and held my hand through both books. Emotions are messy and ugly and frightening and I hate dealing with them because in doing so I have to deal with myself.

9 1/2 DAYS was difficult to write to say the least. I did a lot of difficult research in order to try and recreate September 11th for my hero. But that wasn't nearly as difficult as standing naked on the page to present my "plus size" heroine. In creating Jordan, I had to reveal parts of myself and my prejudices and insecurities and I hated every second of it.

But if that book was hard then AFTERNOON DELIGHT was my personal hell. The breast cancer scare was again carefully researched and presented and somehow I ended up naked on the page again too. That was nothing compared to having to face my own past while Rei dealt with her alcoholic father. (During revisions, I toned that aspect of the story way down. About ten pages never made it into the final version)

Anyway, the point I've been avoiding getting to is that, based on reviews, sales and reader feedback, the deeper I've gone into the emotions of my characters the better the books have done. But I have to wonder at the cost. Because both of these stories have cost me dearly in terms of stress, lost sleep and anxiety.

However maybe that's what writing is supposed to do. The letters I've gotten from readers tell me that I touched them, that they can relate to the situations, that I created realistic characters they really care about. I'm still learning, still honing my craft and finding my way. But I wonder, if I stop being afraid to face my feelings, who knows what I can do?